The Love i hate

​Hey Blooms, So today, I had to let go. ​I had to end a feeling that constantly made me the most toxic human I may have ever been—the most wicked, in fact. I had to tell her goodbye, not because I didn't want her for myself, but because she needed to be loved. She needed to be at peace. She needed to leave the toxicity behind. ​Speaking of toxic... how do you stay with someone who makes you feel so little? Who makes you feel irrelevant? Who reminds you of the pain of the past? ​Not my fault, though—I had the most intense childhood. That’s the excuse we give, right? But sincerely, love was not always meant to be rosy—I know this. But love was meant to tolerate, and I lacked this so much that I deeply regret it. ​I will miss her. I will miss her so much, because the love I felt was nothing compared to what she gave. I won't find someone like her; I know this. But she needs happiness. She needs to be loved. She needs a love like the one she gives. ​I pray I didn't change her. God, I pray that You keep her and guide her to the right love. ​I wish I could love right, though. Love without holding back. Love because I need to love. I have had my past with love, and from my perspective, it’s been a lot of pain. ​Do I really say "I love you" because of the feeling, or because I have learned to love myself? Everyone says, "Love yourself," but do I love myself? Would I hate myself? I don't think I want to, but I need to learn the art—not to force it. ​Maybe someday I will write about how I have learned to love. But for now, I hope she finds a happy place. I hope she finds peace. ​She will never see this, though, but she will always be in my heart and prayers