ODYSSEY OF HUMANITY

Dear Diary, ‎ ‎Life happened to me. Not loudly, not all at once—but enough to change me. Somewhere in the middle of everything, I started choosing myself more. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. In doing that, I saw parts of me I’m proud of… and parts I wish I didn’t have to carry. ‎ ‎I don’t have a love life. Saying it out loud still feels strange. I’ve been single all my life. I’ve only fallen in love twice, and even then, it never became anything serious. Now, it feels like I’ve grown numb to love, like my heart learned how to shut down before it ever really got started. ‎ ‎Sometimes I sit with my thoughts and ask myself questions I don’t have answers to. ‎Can I love someone? ‎Can someone really love me? ‎Can I feel love the way other people do? ‎What if I finally meet someone—will we be right for each other? ‎Is this even how I want my love story to look? ‎Or am I just too young… or too guarded… or too tired inside? ‎ ‎I know exactly when all of this started. The day my dad died. When I said a part of me died with him, I meant it more than I realized. I think my ability to love went quiet that day too. Since then, something in me hasn’t been the same. My heart feels… distant. Careful. Afraid. ‎ ‎It’s embarrassing sometimes—having no dating experience, no romantic memories, no “ex” stories. But I can’t force feelings that aren’t there. What hurts most is how backwards it all feels. They say the people you love don’t love you, and the ones you don’t love, love you. But in my case, I don’t even have someone I love. And the ones who care about me… my heart just doesn’t respond. ‎ ‎I know I’m attractive. I know I’m not empty. But it feels like something important is missing. Like my heart exists, but it doesn’t beat for love the way it should. Or maybe it does—just very quietly, hiding, scared of being broken again. ‎ ‎Being single isn’t bad. Choosing yourself is good. Healing is good. I believe that. But having someone by your side—someone who chooses you, understands you, stays—that feels like something special. Something I’ve never had. ‎ ‎If I could just feel that kind of love once. Just once. ‎Not forever. Not perfectly. ‎Just enough to know my heart is still alive… ‎and that love hasn’t completely passed me by. ‎