Meeting yourself again

They never forced me. Neither did they beg me. But "yes" was always my response to them. I had no other option anyway. Because what does it mean when you're thanked for something you haven't agreed to? Pushing me around to fulfil their own desires was definitely their favourite thing to do. And I thought I said yes because they were older, because they were everything to me, because they provided for all my needs. Little did I know that they starved my emotional needs and never provided for my social needs. I thought saying yes was just a sacred thing between us, till I found myself saying it to everyone who crossed my path. It was easier for me to blurt out a yes than to choose myself. And I bet a lot of people became close to me because of it. My availability was the proof I needed that they needed me, not the other way around. Until I found my voice and said the word "no"?? No, I said maybe. I told them I'd check if I had something else fixed around that time. And I wasn't lying because I had more yeses to answer to than there were hours in a day. I felt incomplete instantly, like I had let myself down. I knew no other words than yes, so where did this voice come from? My own people said it was influence. I had allowed peer pressure to get into my head. A little view of the outside world, and I was already rebelling. But "no" , I wasn't. I couldn't say yes to that, though my head nodded positively faster than my brain could process the right response. Slowly, I lost it all. The position. The leadership. The opportunities that came attached to constant yeses. The constant smile I so easily wore, as though I was fine. Yes was no longer an option because saying it came with scorn: "I thought you would say no." I started punishing myself for every "no" I said. I felt I had to say two yeses to make up for one "no." I wasn't comfortable choosing myself yet. Every refusal felt like an act of selfishness. Every time I chose rest, I wondered if I was simply being lazy. Every time I prioritised my needs, I questioned whether I was becoming inconsiderate. Slowly, the "no" started becoming more than just a response to a request. I lost more than I had intended, but I found one thing. I slowly separated the chaff from the wheat. I threw away the chaff that made me move anywhere with the wind. I found my likes and dislikes. And even though the voices are still loud, even though they all still have an opinion on how I'm meant to answer each question, "yes" or "no"... I have learnt to say yes to myself first.