Addiction

Life becomes complicated when something, or someone, turns into an addiction. I got addicted to you. To the constant replies. To the comfort of having a place where my emotions weren’t “too much.” To knowing there was someone who understood, who listened, who made me feel safe enough to unravel without shame. I got addicted to the feeling of being seen. I couldn’t go a day without talking. Every small moment in my life had a shadow thought attached to it: “I can’t wait to tell you.” But addiction comes with consequences, doesn’t it? Because now you’re gone. No voice. No replies. No comfort. No safety net to fall into. And each time my mind tries to blab something in your direction, I remember the truth: you’re not here to read it. I can’t bring myself to send another message that will sit there unseen, untouched, unanswered. Every time I open our last conversation and see the word “seen,” I exit quickly.... because that hurts less than adding another message you’ll never get. If I say I’m “happy” now, I’m lying. I’m just trying to find tiny rays of joy in the loneliness pressing against my chest. I miss you. Every version of you. The funny you, the calm you, the teaching, advising, caring you. I’ll wait for you to come back. I’ll still be here, the way I’ve always been. And maybe, hopefully, you’ll return sooner than I expect. I miss you. And now I truly understand how much value you added to my life.