LIVING DEAD

Watch me slowly slip from your grasp, like all you were holding onto was dust, living for the moment finally left me rust, the road ahead now seems so steep, I've lived and lived but yet it all feels so futile. Did I actually live for myself? or once again I lived to seek validation while invalidating myself? did I actually smile for myself? or I did so because it was the only thing hiding me from the pain I couldn't fight? was I even ever free of pain? or did I deceive myself so much it numbed itself? unanswered questions now back to haunt me, my life feels like it's meant to taunt me, I've been alive but have I ever truly lived? my heart feels heavy like there's something inside of me meant to be grieved. And when you call on me I'll be right there, the person who has always chosen everyone, the one with the facade worn over while still carrying baggage that isn't hers, the fake, the impersonator, the liar who lies to herself, so if you yell enough, just loud enough, I'll be there, the one you need who never learnt to need herself. "I don't care who I lose as long as it's not me again", the lies I tell myself knowing fully well the only person left to lose is me, people may think I'm hypochondriac, but there is no fault in determining the things I lack, the things I am and not, I stare at the sea and wonder if it's going to take me someday, I stare at the rain and wonder if it's going to always cry with me everyday, I stare at the sun and wonder if it'll always shine through my bad days, I look up at the sky and wonder if it'll ever welcome me in its presence one day, I'm not suicidal but living has been hard, I love everything I'm not, so why can't I just love who I am?